Nothing To See Here

This morning before dropping the kids off at school, I had a 3-minute, run-of-the-mill, seemingly innocuous conversation with my son Nash. During our brief interaction. Not an eyebrow was raised. Voices stayed even-keeled. Heart rate remained in its “pre-coffee” un-stressed state.

Honestly, I didn’t think anything of our interaction… Until about a few hours later.

Today started like any other day at The Wong House. Wake up the kids. Get breakfast ready. Glance longingly at the coffee maker, weighing the benefits of a nice warm cup vs getting the kids to school on time…

At this point, Nash calls out from his bedroom, “Dad! I need you to sign something!”

“OK. What?”

“My Report Card. It’s sitting on the kitchen counter!”

Without hesitation, and frankly without much thought at all, I locate the report card. Grab a pen. Sign it. And just go back to wondering if I can crank out a quick cup in the 4 minutes I have left.

Nash then emerges from the bedroom, grabs the newly signed report card, and shouts, “Did you look at it?” And I reply calmly, “Nope…”

Nash doesn’t flinch and continues loading up his backpack. Then a second later, he casually throws out the question, “Why not?”

“Because Nash, I don’t need to…” Nash looks up quizzically, hoping that I might expand on that a little bit.

I explain my position.

“Nash… I already see how hard you work. I see how many times you are up past midnight doing homework and completing projects. I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST. So what is this card going to tell me that I don’t already know?”

Nash just shrugs... And that is the end of our conversation. Nash doesn’t think anything of it. And neither do I.

For all of their lives, I’ve preached to my kids that I really could care less about the grades they bring home.

As their father, All I've wanted for them is to KNOW, UNDERSTAND, and LIVE OUT the concept of “Doing Your Best In All Things." That they should take pride and full ownership of ANY project or paper they put their name on. That if they truly DO THEIR BEST on any given project. They can rest easy and feel good about the work that they put in. And lastly, “Doing Your Best” can and should FREE YOU UP from the anxiety that can easily come from misfortunate results or the curse of un-met expectations.

“Guys. Just do your best. Do what you can do. I have to believe that it will always be good enough. And even if it’s not. Just know that it will always be good enough for me…”

Trust me. As a kid growing up, I very well remember the anxiety, the fear, the trepidation of REPORT CARD DAY. I well remember the soul crushing weight sitting atop my shoulders. I well remember the desperate thoughts of “Will my parents still love me after I show them this.” Oh, I remember those times all too well...

Nash, Evan, and McKenna have been entrusted to my care. And I never want them to think that my love or acceptance of them, is hinged upon a silly piece of paper. I simply refuse to assign any value to what a report card really is… A piece of sheet.

Will Nash ever realize the significance of this day? Probably not. But through both of our actions, we proved that REPORT CARD DAY is just like any other day... In that, I feel like a traffic cop that shouts “Move along! There is nothing to see here!” And indeed, there is nothing to see here. Today is like any other day. Even if it is, REPORT CARD DAY... #parenting #reportcard #teachingmoment #school #learning #kids #father #fatherhood #highschool #teach

Nash's Terrible Day

Parenting Stories Ep #274 (Or the Blog Post when Nash and I see the same situation completely different)

Nash is now a freshman at San Marino High School. And on most days, he will walk about a mile home from school. But on this day, Nash walks through the back door a little later than usual. The kid looks ragged and bedraggled…His eyes glazed over. His hair, an unkempt mess that seems only suitable for a bird looking to make a nest.

Speaking as a parent with 15 years of hard earned experience, it is painfully obvious to me, that in this situation, my wisest course of action would be to give the boy some space and refrain from “Poking The Bear.” But... As a parent who is sometimes relentlessly upbeat. And also a parent who just might be a sadistic glutton for punishment, I of course ask the question NO TEEN ever wants to hear, “Hey Nash, how was school today?”

The reaction I received from the Zombie-like Creature was exactly what one could reasonably expect.

Nash utters NOT ONE WORD. He doesn’t even look at me. But as he sets his backpack down in the slowest motion that only sloths could admire, the kid finally turns toward my side of the room. And graces me with the most PIERCING DEATH STARE that would make even Satan jealous.

It takes a little time... But slowly my kid starts to return back from the Land of the Undead. And we begin to talk.

“What happened?” I ask. He then tells me that at the end of the school day, he got dragged into an uncomfortable situation not of his own making. “It was just so awkward Dad!” he exclaimed, but even still, he goes on with the story…

Nash leads with the following statement, “Well, I can’t tell you ALL of the details because I promised that I wouldn’t.” And of course, I reply that I totally respect that.

For brevity's sake, I will now give you a “Cliff’s Note” recap of the situation as relayed to me:

One day last week, a student who is a friend of Nash’s, got sent to the Principal’s office for a reason that Nash promised not to disclose. Randomly, this student’s mother arrives to the high school, apparently phoned by the school office. The mom knows Nash by sight, and calls out to him from the parking lot. She asks Nash for directions to the Principal’s office. Nash then walks the mother to the office. There, she is told to wait for the student because the principal is finishing up with their meeting. At that point, Nash waits with the mother, trying to calm her down. The student eventually comes out from the meeting. Nash stays. The student goes on to explain the situation to both Mom and Nash. By this time, it is well after the Final Bell. The mother then offers to drive Nash home, at which he accepts. In the “Car Ride From Hell” as Nash describes it, the student and Mom get into a shouting match. Being tugged in both directions, Nash does his best to intercede and smooth things over. It’s a short drive, but with tensions still running high, Nash exits the feud and the car. He then walks through the back door of our house with that “bedraggled” look I mentioned earlier. And now we're back to the beginning...

“Dad, it was a TERRIBLE DAY!!!” he exclaimed. “WORST DAY EVER!” he tells me.

But I just sit there… with a smile on my face as wide as Kansas.

“What are you smiling about???” Nash asks in exasperation.

“OK dude. You told me your story and how you view it. Now, let me tell you what I see…”

Nash, let me walk you through every decision you made in this situation:

1. I LOVE that you honored your friend’s request to keep the reason for being sent to the Principal’s office a secret. That’s what friends do. And I admire your loyalty to that person.

2. When the mom asked you for directions to the office, you had a choice. You could have just given her directions OR “Walk with her” to the office yourself. You chose the latter.

3. When both of you arrived at the office and were forced to wait. You again made the decision to stay with the mom.

4. While the two of you were waiting, you talked with the mom. Tried to calm her down. In that very conversation, you eased a parent’s nerves while at the same time advocated on your friend’s behalf. Both intentions are admirable.

5. When your friend came out to explain the situation, you again stayed when you didn’t have to. Add to the fact that your friend explained the details of a bad situation in front of both YOU and the mom. That just speaks highly of the trust your friend places in you.

6. When the mom offers to drive you home, you surely could have declined the offer and safely made your escape, but once again, you chose to stay.

7. And on this particular “Car Ride From Hell.” You intercede. You mediate. You walk that fine and narrow line of trying to smooth things over between the two, without officially taking sides. This is surely a difficult task for any adult, much less a 15 year old teenager.

“So Nash, from my point of view: Today, at every turn, you made EXACTLY THE RIGHT DECISION. When things got truly uncomfortable, you had several opportunities to walk away and excuse yourself, but you didn’t...”

“I understand that today was incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for you. HOWEVER, in many situations you will have yet to face, ‘Doing The Right Thing’ will oftentimes be VERY uncomfortable. Yet, regardless of the outcome, of which had little to do with you in the first place, YOU PLAYED EVERY DECISION PERFECTLY. And I couldn’t be prouder of you than I am right now…”

So Nash, I’m gonna have to disagree with your assessment of the day. IMO, this was not a TERRIBLE DAY. It was an AWESOME DAY. A day in which my son came of age. A day when my son stepped up and PLAYED THE RIGHT WAY regardless of the outcome.”

And if I can just tell you one more time... I am so freakin’ proud of you right now…”